


don't believe in karma

by erintoknow



Series: Aria [38]
Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén, Fallen Hero: Rebirth (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Forgiveness?, Found Family, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, POV Female Character, POV Second Person, POV Third Person, Past Rape/Non-con, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22020784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erintoknow/pseuds/erintoknow
Summary: i've thought it through a million times,and every time It's still your fault
Relationships: Ortega/Sidestep (Fallen Hero)
Series: Aria [38]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1399939
Comments: 11
Kudos: 40





	1. what matters here

**Author's Note:**

> [[strawberry shortcake]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cURzENyncNQ)

Argent tenses up, fingers curling tight around the pen in her hand as Ortega steps into the office, pulling the door shut behind her. “What do you what, Jules?”

Ortega at least has the grace to look embarrassed. Rubs at the back of her neck. “We need to talk Angie, make sure we’re all on the same page.”

Argent groans, staring at the computer monitor. Finally she slams down the pen on the desk and turns in her chair to look up at Ortega. She holds her hands out, palms up. “Talk away.”

“Are we…?” Ortega glances towards the corner of the room as she takes a seat against the wall.

She snorts, rolling her eyes. “Yeah.” Of course. Of course the only reason Ortega wants to talk would be because of that. “So then this is about–”

“Ariadne.” Ortega nods.

“What about her?” Argent crosses her arms over her chest. “I can’t believe you actually got them to move her here. She’s not even a Ranger, she’s–”

“She’s a witness, under protection.”

“Stop interrupting me!” Argent raises her voice, curling her hand into a fist. “She’s a telepathic psychopath who can take over people’s bodies and neither you _or_ Chen even put up any dampeners.”

“Angie!” Ortega looks aghast. “She’s not a threat.”

“She’s a fucking super villain Ortega!” Argent glares at the other woman. “Stop thinking with your clit for one goddamn second!”

That gets a reaction. Ortega shoots up from her chair, hand to her chest. “What is your problem Angie!?”

“My problem!?” Argent’s laugh is short and bitter. She shakes her head, narrowing her eyes at Ortega. “Did you fucking forget what she did? _To me_? To all of us?” She grips the arm of her chair, razor fingers digging grooves into the plastic. “So she’s not fucking Hitler. Big deal. She’s still a hazard to everyone around her. Or maybe you so busy fussing over her you didn’t notice, during that fire?”

Ortega goes quiet. “Notice what?”

“When she was freaking out. The EMT almost killed herself.”

“No, that’s… that’s crazy. You’re talking like she was Heartbreak.” Like Heartbreak? Argent makes a mental note of that. “Ari wouldn’t…”

Argent taps the side of her head. “I could fucking feel it Jules. Pressing down.”

“She was upset…” Ortega sits back down, stares at her hands in her lap, brow knit with worry. “She came out of it. Everything was fine.”

“She’s dangerous.”

“If she’s so dangerous why didn’t you take the Nanovores back when she offered?” Ortega looks back up, mouth pursed in a frown. “Hell, if you hate her so much why haven’t you talked to Chen? Turned her in?”

Argent winces, averts her eyes to stare at the door. “Adrestia was… fun to fight. And I thought well… she’s a bastard but I could probably trust her to hold to her word. And…” Argent groans. “Look, I’m _trying_ okay? But Ariadne is… a mental case. And a re–”

“Don’t say it.” Ortega tone drops, an edge to her voice. “She’s come a long way. Even in just this year, and she’s been through… a lot.”

“That doesn’t make her special Jules. Everybody here has been through hell. I’ve…” Argent cuts herself off, balling her hands into fists. She glares at the door as if she looks hard enough she can burn a hole through it. “I could have…”

“Angie… I’m sorry.” Ortega reaches out a hand, and when Argent doesn’t shy away, gently rests it on her knee. “I tried to… to reach out. But you… I’m sorry. I should have tried harder. It – it seemed like you were doing okay and…”

“I wanted it to be okay.” Argent stares down at Julia’s hand. “I… thought I was. But I… I hate how this has taken over my life, Julia. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to think about it.I don’t… I don’t want to hate her. Okay? I do. But I don’t. Want to.” Argent lets the air out of her lungs, sagging back against the chair, twisting it from side to side with one foot on the ground. “I’m just… I feel angry all the time Jules. Like I can’t trust anybody. And.. and I know I’m supposed to ‘do the right thing’ and forgive and forget or whatever bullshit. But I can’t. I can’t do that.”

“Honestly Angie. You don’t have to. I don’t even think she wants you to.”

Argent snorts at that, “Right, because what Ariadne wants is what matters here.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I’m not her fucking moral lesson Julia.” Argent tenses up, shakes Ortega’s hand off her knee. “I’m not some fucking stepping stone on Becker’s path to being a decent goddamn human being.”

“You’re not, Angie.” Ortega’s voice is pained as she takes her hand back. “Thank you for finally talking with me about this. I’ve been worried about you too.”

“Uh-huh.” Argent frowns, looking like she just sucked a lemon. “Sure you are.”

“You know,” There’s a pained amusement in Ortega’s voice as she watches Argent’s face. “The two of you are a lot more alike than you think.”

“Right, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear right now.” Argent snarls. “Thanks Jules, you’ve got such a fucking way with words.” What was she thinking? Trying to open up to Ortega about this? Of course she’s going to be on _her_ side.

“I think you should talk to her.”

“Fat chance.” She reaches back towards her desk, picks up the pen and fiddles with it.

Ortega shakes her head. “Are you at least ever going to tell me why you wanted that Regenerator thing? I mean… I know why Ari wanted it but…”

“You’d already know if you’d been paying attention.” Argent huffs. “So no.” This conversation has gone on too long as is. Need to get Ortega to wrap up and buzz off already. “So, now what? What’s the plan?”

Ortega frowns, scratching her face. “The plan?”

“About Hollow Ground?” Argent rolls her eyes. “Hello?”

“Oh.” Ortega winces, holds a deep breath before letting it go. “We’ve got her on the backstep for once. But we can’t let our guard down. Ari challenging her like she did is a direct threat to her authority. And they know the Rangers are involved for sure now. All three of us are going to have massive targets on our back.”

“Great.” Argent rolls her eyes. “Glad this worked out so well for us.”

“Ari said Hollow ground has… some kind of telepathic mind control touch. But she’d have to be staggeringly powerful to be able to keep every grunt and underling in line that way. Hollow Ground is going to have do something drastic to show she’s still in control.” Ortega drums her fingers against her knee, staring into space. “Once Ari is awake we should go over everything again. It’ll probably safest to keep her here. At least until she recovers. So that’s a couple of weeks. In the meantime we can start trying to track Hollow Ground’s movements properly, pin down where her next hideout is.”

“Okay…” Argent fiddles with the pen between her fingers. The idea of having Ariadne in the building 24/7 for weeks doesn’t fill her with joy. “And what are you going to do if the government decides to stop by and collect your girlfriend in the meantime?”

“They won’t.”


	2. i can't change, even if i wanted to

Trapped in a bed and you’re starting to go stir crazy. Between the damage to your ribs and legs, you’re not exactly in any shape for walking. It’s strange. Expected yourself to be panicking more. Crying maybe. It’s over. There’s no way Julia’s dumb lie holds up. People know. They’ll talk. It’ll get back. They’ll come for you, and… and there’s nothing you can do but sit on this damn bed. Don’t even know where in the building you are. There’s not even any fucking windows.

Nothing worthwhile on TV. Always feels weird anyway, watching people talk and emote without any thoughts to pick up. Like they’ve been flattened. Lacking a dimension. Not even Ortega feels like that. At least books you can imagine.

Shift on the bed and fire lights up in your chest, Fuck. Guess the pain killers are done. If they think a little pain is going to keep you from getting out of this bed, they don’t know what the Farm was like. Need to get out before someone like

Aw fuck.

“Ariadne.” Chen stands in the doorway, a tired expression on his face. Like he’s caught some child trying to sneak out after curfew. “I wouldn’t put any weight on that leg if I were you.”

“C–chen.” You grit your teeth, force a neutral smile on your face as you settle back down. “Come to… to – to gloat?”

Chen frowns at that. As he steps into the room he takes a quick look around, eyes lingering on the potted plant in the corner. “So much for retirement?”

“Obviously a mistake.”

“Hrm.” Chen turns to face you. “Ortega tried to tell me she pressured you into it.”

Of course. Of course she would. “Y–you don’t believe her.”

Chen’s mind is cold, guarded as always. “Should I?”

You shake your head. Never been any point in trying to lie to him. “No.”

He paces the floor, drumming fingers against his elbow. “So then. How did you even know where Hollow Ground would be?”

Can feel your heart pounding in your chest. How do you thread this line? “You… believe Hollow Ground exists now?”

Chen is silent for a moment before answering. “I believe what I see.”

Shit.

You cough, clear your throat. “Does Julia know you–”

“Not yet.”

“So you…” You swallow, throat dry. “What… um. What did y–you see…?”

“I saw a woman.” Chen watches you, watches your face. Fuck. “It’s strange.”

“S–strange?”

“She looked like an older version of you.” He frowns. Trying to dig into his head feels like touching a wire when you don’t know if it’s live or not. Could be safe. Could kill you. Caught in between.

You settle for nodding. “That was… weird.” Those memories you saw when Hollow Ground first touched you… were they hers? Were they real? Why did your life have to be so complicated? How did he even get the footage? Surely Julia would have had the presence of mind to grab your wire before letting anyone else at you, right?

“Weird is a word for it.” Chen doesn’t smile. “But yes, I saw this woman call herself Hollow Ground. Maybe it’s aspirational, maybe it’s real. But I don’t see any reason to keep doubting at this point.”

“So… w–what happens now?” This is it Chickadee. Game over.

“Now? Hrm.” Chen glances back towards the door way like he’s expecting someone. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. “We’ll have to keep you here under protection for the moment, as a potential witness.”

What?

“What?” You repeat out loud.

“I expect you’ll want to aid Ortega in her investigation but under no circumstances are you permitted to go into the field.” Chen looks pointedly at you. “This is Ranger business, and you're under doctor's orders to avoid any further strenuous activity.”

You frown. Why didn’t he – It doesn’t make sense. What is going on? “Th–that’s it? That’s all?”

“Why? Is there something else I should know Becker?”

You groan, clutching at your head. “Goddamnit Chen, s–stop playing games.”

Chen crosses his arms, unimpressed. “If you think I have some sort of ulterior motive here Becker, why don’t you just read my mind?”

“No!” You slam your fist down on the mattress beside you “Goddamnit Chen, I don’t – I don’t want to read your f–f–fucking mind, I want you to just tell me like a–a–a goddamn fucking normal person!”

He purses his lips, unimpressed by your little show. Fuck. Here comes the snare. “I suppose it is strange… Why was Hollow Ground calling you Adrestia?”

You close your eyes. It’s like stepping off a ledge. “That’s… that’s who the invitation was for.”

“So you impersonated Adrestia? That’s bold, even for you Ariadne.” You groan. Bury your face in your hands. Know the question is coming even before Chen asks it. “And yet she also referred to you by name, Ms. Becker. Strange.”

You could cry. So tired of this. Tired of playing these stupid games. “Goddamnit Chen. I – I am Adrestia. Okay? Are you happy now? Fuck.” Off the ledge you go. Ortega could weasel around it. She’s not Marshal anymore and she was always prone to bend the rules anyway. Chen has no such upsides.

“That’s not something to say lightly, Ariadne.”

You roll your eyes. “Oh c–c–come off it already.”

“Adrestia is a wanted terrorist and corporate criminal. They’ve dealt millions of dollars in property damage and lost revenue through the theft and publishing of trade secrets. They–”

“Do you want me to–to–to confess to every individual crime, Chen? Is that what you want? Then pull up a goddamn seat ‘cause we’ll be here a while.”

Chen cuts you off with a wave of his hand, shaking his head. “I’ve already had your apartment searched.” That gets you to shut up. “They didn’t find anything more incriminating than a handful of overdue library books.” He looks pointedly at you. “I didn’t think overdue fines went that high.”

“Oh? I’m glad this is f–f–funny to you!” You throw your hands up in the air. The world is spiraling out of control around you and there’s no indication which way is up. “Does – does _everybody_ know where I live!? Jesus fucking christ.”

“As for your outburst today…” Chen goes silent for a moment, mouth in a tight frown. “Clearly you’re still recovering from your injury. Trauma from the attack, or maybe a side effect of the morphine. Still, Becker, I’d be more careful about what you say and where. You never know who might be listening. Claiming to be a wanted criminal is a not a very good joke.”

“Are – are you k–k–kidding me with this shit, Chen?” Goddamnit, what does a girl have to do to get arrested around here?

“I find it very hard to believe that Adrestia would willingly work with two Rangers, in a fashion that puts them at direct physical risk, even for a potential advantage against a rival. That would be extremely…”

“F–fucking stupid?” You finish for him.

“Oh hey guys!” Daniel floats in the doorway, bright smile on his face. “I just thought I’d stop by and, um. See how… Ariadne was… doing…” His smile wilts under your combined gaze. He chuckles, anxious, and coughs into his hand. “Um. I’l just… uh, come back later?”

You fall back into the cot, wince at the pain in your side. “Look. Chen. Why… why are you doing this…? You’ve never liked me. Never wanted me here.”

Chen looks you in the face. Can feel the knot of complicated emotions pulled taunt under the surface. “Retired or not, Becker, you’re still a hero.”

You open your mouth, ready to protest when Chen cuts you off before you can say anything.

“One of the bravest I’ve met.”

You blink. Squeeze your eyes shut as you rub the bridge of your nose. The world doesn’t feel real. Like you’re watching yourself from outside your body. “I’m… I’m not.” You laugh, a broken sound that turns into a sob as you pull your arms tight around you. Ignore the complaint of your chest. “Why does… why does everyone keep saying that.” Julia and Daniel… Hell fucking… fucking Izzie remembered and now you…? “I’m not. I’m not a hero Chen. I’m not brave. I… I–I–I…” Your throat tightens, a vise cutting off anything else from spilling out.

Chen doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t try to redirect the conversation. Doesn’t even have the curtesy to look away while you fall apart in front of him.

You sniff, wipe your nose with the backside of your hand. “I’m… I’m not a good person Chen. I tried. I tried to be. But I just… I’m so angry. And… and scared. If it wasn’t for Julia I’d still be… or maybe I’d have…” You shudder, choke back bile from the back of your throat. “Even… even if I could… I don’t even know everyone I’ve hurt. Or… Or worse. It’s not like I kept track.” You press your hands into your eyes. “Fuck. It was so much easier when I didn’t let myself care.”

“Ariadne…” Chen hesitates. Torn. Oh fuck. Is he seriously going to try to comfort you too? Thought you could count on Chen of all people to not show you any mercy.

“Goddamnit Chen. Don’t – don’t you f–fucking get it? You w–were right. You were always fucking right. I’m fucking… Adrestia is… fuck – I’m not even human.” You pull up the sleeve of your shirt, past the cross hatching of scars, far enough to expose the harsh orange lines branded into your skin. This will fix things. Get him to turn on you. Have someone finally go after you the way you deserve.

Chen purses his lips as he stares at your exposed arm, mind closed to a cursory skim. You chew you cheek, flexing your jaw. Can feel the tears on your cheek still. Fuck this is pathetic. Finally, he says: “Okay.”

You blink. Let your arm drop. “O–okay?” What does he mean, ‘okay?’ It’s a confirmation of every worst case scenario he ever had about you, and that’s all he can say? “That’s… that’s it?”

“You were expecting more?” Chen crosses his arms, staring you down. “It fits the evidence, and that–” he gestures towards your arm, sleeve pulled up. “Is hard to argue with.”

“I’m not– it’s not–” You groan, pulling at your hair. “Fuck, Chen, it–it–it’s not a matter of believing me. It’s–“

“What happens now.”

“Yes!”

His frown deepens, like he’s sucking on a particularly nasty lemon. “As Marshal, I have a responsibility to apprehend criminal enhanced and I would, of course, be required to report a rogue re-gene.”

You swallow, bile churning in your throat. “I–I–I’m not– I’m not going back.”

“Going back where?” The edge his mouth quirks up, “It’s a pretty tasteless tattoo, Ariadne. But I don’t see anything illegal here.”

It takes you a second, and then the breath you’ve been holding escapes out of your lungs in one long sigh. “I… I don’t get you, Chen.”

He steps away, turning to exit the hospital room. “Better keep that covered, Ariadne. Don’t want someone to get the wrong idea.” He hesitates, in the door way. “As to the rest… My assessment remains unchanged. Take better care of yourself Becker. Get some sleep. You look like you need it.”

“…why?” You stare at the back of Chen’s head. None of this makes any sense.

“I’m Marshal, Ariadne. Did you forget? I take care of my team.”


	3. broken hearted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got... uh, well, trigger warning for discussion of or otherwise allusion to past sexual assault in this chapter

Must have fallen asleep somehow. The nurse is gone - god, that whole process was embarrassing. Hate this. Hate being trapped here. Powerless. Julia can’t stay by your side all day. Said she’d be back later, but how long is that going to be?

And what the hell is Chen’s malfunction? What happened to him to make the old bastard go soft like that? It’s not like - it’s not like you aren’t grateful. But. It’s terrifying. He knows. He knows everything and could undo you with a word. And is choosing not to. Can’t understand why not for the life of you.

You pick up her thoughts, prowling down the hallway before she even touches the door handle. Try to pull back, give her space but they’re hard to ignore. Tune out. Thought she had made herself clear the last time. Why is she coming after you now?

“Can’t believe you’ve even got Steel fooled now.” 

Ah.

Argent pulls the door shut behind her. Shoulders tense, posture stiff. “So… what did you do to him exactly? Some kind of telepathic trick?”

You lie back in the bed. “No.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me, Becker.” She storms forward, grips the edge of the bed hard enough to bend the raised metal handle.

“I d–don’t under–understand it either.”

Argent takes a breath. Doesn’t let go of the handle, twists it under her hands. “So much for karma. You don’t fucking deserve any of this, you know that?”

“…yeah. I’m s–sorry.”

“I was counting on that regenerator and you cocked it all up. I gave you a second chance and you blew it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing!” Argent growls, shoves the bed hard enough to make it move an inch, jostling you. “Saying sorry over and over doesn’t make anything better!”

“It’s… Argent, It’s kind of all I got right now.”

“Well that’s not good enough!” She holds her head in her hands, fingers pulling at silver strands of hair. “I want my life back Ariadne!”

You turn your head away, nausea bubbling up with a side of vertigo. “I–I–I would if I could.”

A hand shoots out, taking hold of your neck, forcing you to look at her. The expression on her face. “Well try harder!” She doesn’t let go. Doesn’t squeeze. Yet. Little alarming sparks of pain make you intimately aware of your prior self-inflicted bruise.

“I – I can’t go back in time. I can’t take back w–what I did.” Heart pounding in your chest. Even if you deserve it, doesn’t make this any less terrifying. Memories of other things. Would give anything to get out of this conversation right now. There’s nothing you could say to make this better. “What do you want me to do, Argent?”

She shoves you back against the bed cot, hard. Lets go. “Stop rolling over like a fucking sick dog. Stop goddamn apologizing. I can’t even fucking hate you properly like this.”

“Argent. Um – if you’re looking for a fight, I think you’ve got me at a disadvantage.” If she changed her mind and wants to kill you now. Fine. But that’s a bit of a bad career move right now – not a lot of ways to get away with it.

“I don’t want to fight you Becker.” Argent growls, cutting across your train of thought. “I want you to fucking suffer.”

You wince. “A–another scar?”

She frowns. “Maybe.”

Argent steps away from you, back turned and arms crossed. It feels… weird to try to guess at her emotional state without paying attention to her thoughts. Never had to do that for anyone else but Julia. 

She huffs. 

“When I was here the… the first time. I, well, I slummed it. I couldn’t get a place to stay. Couldn’t hold down a job.” You bite your lip, fight back vertigo. “I… I woke up a few times with - with someone pawing at me. But… nothing ever really... happened you know?”

Keep expecting Argent to whirl around and – and do something. Strike you down, shut you up somehow. There’s no reason she should ever give a damn about what happened to you. Maybe that makes it easier somehow. Knowing she’s not going to get upset on your behalf like Julia would.

“...And then they – they… they um, they took me back. And… most of the time I couldn’t really… do anything. Feel anything. I’d be under and then wake up in the middle of an - of an autopsy. Or a test. Or… There was this one guy, just a soldier – a guard. I’d know he was coming because all the lights in my, uh, my room would come on and…”

You go quiet. Argent doesn’t say anything.

You shudder. Have to fight to suppress the memory. Shadows and snakes in the grass, curling around your ankles and wrists. Green light and broken glass and shadowed faces against too bright lights far too close.

“It was… it would be like that night I fell all over again. Like it wasn’t even my body anymore… was it ever? I… I don’t know.” You suck in air, breath ragged. “I’ve… never really – you know, felt like I… belonged to myself. And – and – and it’s not like there weren't any security cameras. Everyone had to have known. But… no one… Even with Re-Genes you don’t  _ do _ that. You don’t... d–damage your tools like, um, like that. But…” You bite your lip. Fuck. You’re shaking.

Argent is quiet a moment longer. Doesn’t turn to look you in the eyes. Body language unreadable. “Why the hell are you telling me this?”

“When I… uh – when I escaped. I was… was so, so, angry. And I tried to… but I couldn’t. I wasn’t – wasn’t strong enough.” If you had just killed yourself back then like you were supposed to, none of this would have happened. No one would have suffered. Fuck. Dr. Finch would be disappointed in you right now.

You put a hand to your throat, massaging the bruise. “So I resolved to, to – um, make them suffer instead. To make them feel how I felt. And… I reveled in it. It made me feel like I was in control again. It didn’t even matter the people I hurt weren’t the ones I was supposed to be mad at. As long as somebody… felt what I felt. You know? Because they all deserved it. I kept telling myself that. Over and over. If – if I deserved it then so did they. But… it–it–it never… never actually made me feel any better. It never fixed anything. It was… wrong – I was wrong, I… didn’t deserve what… happened to me. So… it’s – it’s even worse that – that I… Argent you.. you didn’t deserve it. What I did.”

You stop talking, stare down at your lap. Think it’s your lap. Has to be somebody’s. A silver hand stretches across your field of vision and you tense up. Wait for the blow. It doesn’t come. She grabs your hand.

“This isn’t forgiveness. You don’t get to have that.” Argent digs her fingers into your palm, hard enough to hurt. “Ever.” She hisses air through gritted teeth. Her mind, so close to yours right now. Churning through an internal debate you don’t dare touch.

“Okay.” You say. In a day of surreality, none of this feels real. It’s someone else’s hand Argent is menencing. Someone else’s eyes she’s glaring at.

“You’re not off the hook until we hunt down Hollow Ground and beat the location of the Regenerator out of her.” Argent pauses. “Maybe not even then. Because after that we’re finding your stupid barn or whatever dumb-ass bullshit you called it and burning it to fucking ground.”

You blink, knit your eyebrows together. “W–what? Argent, I–”

“Shut up.” She digs her nails into your palm again. “I don’t give a shit what you think Becker. I’m not doing it for you. I’m better than you.” Her voice drops, a growl as her grip tightens further. “And I’m going to fucking prove it.”

“Argent–”

“Shut up.” She lets go of your hand, pulls her arm back. “We’re never talking about this again. Got it?”

You nod.

“Good.” Argent frowns, runs a hand through her hair, fixing it. “I’m sick of this hanging over everything. I just want to punch idiots.”

“Well…” You try on a smile, it feels wrong. “When I’m out of this damn bed, if y–you want to spar again… I d–definitely qualify as an idiot.”

“Hah.” Argent snorts. “I’d wipe the floor with you.”

“Not in my, um – my suit you wouldn’t.

“We’ll see about that.”


End file.
